How can a man understand the transactional nature of his relationship?

A useful article from our partner site Perfect Breakup: 
At Perfect Breakup, we do not assume that most relationships are toxic, nor do we hold the view that women are inherently manipulative or self-serving. We reject simplistic narratives such as "all women are gold diggers" or "men are always victims." These views are reductionist and fail to capture the nuance required for actual understanding and strategy.

However, a recurring question raised by our male clients is: How do I know if my relationship is primarily transactional?In recent years, a growing cohort of relationship therapists—many of whom are not necessarily aligned with progressive ideology—have begun to assert that all romantic relationships are transactional in nature. They argue that relationships operate on mutual benefit, whether consciously negotiated or implicitly understood (Finkel et al., 2014; Sprecher, 1998). According to this perspective, love itself is often a product of favorable cost–benefit analysis, where emotional intimacy and commitment are contingent on continual reciprocity.

We respectfully disagree with such a universal view.

While it's true that the vast majority of modern relationships exhibit transactional dynamics—particularly in societies characterized by individualism, declining religiosity, and market-based value systems—there remains evidence that non-transactional, or transcendental, relationships do exist. In the Axiomatological framework, these are defined as relationships formed by a mutual, well-reflected commitment to an abstract construct higher than either partner individually—a construct such as family, legacy, faith, or sacrificial love (Parvet, 2025).

These rare bonds, though statistically less common (cf. Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Lu & Argyle, 1992), are not mere idealizations. In such relationships, both parties commit to a shared transcendent structure—a value hierarchy—and manage their expectations accordingly. They do not expect emotional highs or continuous satisfaction, but rather pursue alignment with a higher-order commitment, such as marriage built on moral vows or child-rearing as a lifelong joint responsibility.

That said, when it comes to evaluating transactionality in one's current relationship, especially after or during conflict, breakup, or decline in intimacy, there are key signs every man should be aware of. These signs are not meant to demonize one’s partner but rather offer clarity, especially when deciding whether the relationship is worth fighting for—or has become an unconscious economic contract in disguise.

Let’s explore the three key criteria every man should evaluate to understand whether his relationship is, at its core, transactional.

1. Seeing yourself from the outside – objectively

At Perfect Breakup, we’ve observed a persistent discrepancy between what women say they value in men and what actually drives initial attraction and relationship formation. While many women affirm they are drawn to internal qualities—kindness, intelligence, a good heart—empirical evidence and lived experience suggest that perceived “mate value”still plays a decisive role in most relationships, especially in the earlier stages (Buss, 2016; Li et al., 2002).

In our consultations, we've consistently seen that most women—often unconsciously—evaluate a man’s market value based on five key factors:

• Height

• Age

• Physical attractiveness (facial features and body)

• Socioeconomic status (including career prestige and wealth)

• Willingness to commit

This is not just cultural—it’s evolutionarily grounded. Numerous studies in evolutionary psychology have demonstrated that women tend to prioritize height, status, and physical health when selecting partners for long-term relationships (Kurzban & Weeden, 2005; Pawlowski & Koziel, 2002). These traits signal genetic fitness, protective capacity, and resource provision—whether in ancestral times or in today’s complex dating environment.

So, the first diagnostic step a man should take in evaluating his relationship—especially if his partner is considerably younger or conventionally attractive—is to view himself from the outside, as if he were a stranger observing the couple from a café table nearby.

Ask yourself honestly:

• Do I match what is typically considered “high mate value” in this society (e.g., am I over 6 feet, in the 30–50 age range, with a lean and muscular body and facial symmetry)?

• If not, what is the likelihood that this woman—especially if she is 10–20 years younger, highly attractive, and socially desirable—would have even noticed me under different circumstances?

We often ask clients to imagine a scenario as a kind of psychological litmus test:
Imagine meeting this woman not as your current self but as a version of yourself stripped of wealth and context. You're older, short, wearing basic clothes, holding a leash attached to a three-legged dog. You meet her at a street corner or a train station. Would she stop? Smile? Talk? Would she see “your heart”?

If the honest answer is no, and there’s no plausible way that romantic or sexual attraction would occur outside your current financial or social status, then the relationship likely includes a strong transactional element. This doesn’t necessarily mean the woman is manipulative or materialistic—it simply reflects the realities of sexual selection and power dynamics in modern dating.

The capacity for self-deception is especially strong in men who are in love or emotionally dependent. That’s why this test—seeing yourself as if from an external lens—is crucial. If the bond would never have emerged under equalized conditions, then it’s likely you’re offering something other than yourself in exchange. That’s the textbook definition of a transactional relationship.

2. Assessing the Partner’s Lifestyle Against Her Income

The second key diagnostic men must perform is a critical evaluation of the woman’s lifestyle—and whether it is realistically sustainable by her own means. At Perfect Breakup, we've seen time and again that this simple but often-ignored comparison provides more insight into the transactional nature of a relationship than hours of romantic discussion or idealistic self-assurances.

Here’s the core principle:

A woman’s visible lifestyle should be in proportional alignment with her independently verifiable income.
If it’s not, you have a serious red flag.

Many men, particularly those who are emotionally vulnerable post-divorce or amid midlife reevaluation, want to believethat the younger, beautiful woman they’ve met is simply hardworking and self-made. They convince themselves that her expensive tastes, perfect beauty maintenance, luxury travel, and curated Instagram presence are the result of side hustles, entrepreneurial spirit, or family gifts.

But the math rarely lies. Consider the following scenario:

• Monthly lifestyle costs: Rent in an upscale area...